


Talent Show Shenanigans

by turntechGeneticist717



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bullying, Gaurdian Dave, Gen, based on a scene from the movie Fist Fight, kid Dirk, moslty just mentions, shit post fic, talent show, the davekat parts are very minor, this is dumb jsyk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 10:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14353263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntechGeneticist717/pseuds/turntechGeneticist717
Summary: Dave just recently became guardian of his nephew Dirk, who is getting bullied at his new school. They plan a talent show routine in order to put an end to the bullying but it doesn't exactly go as planned





	Talent Show Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be real with y'all, if you're here expecting a quality fic, please turn away now! This is basically just a shit post in fic form lol but my brain needed a break from all things serious and this has been stuck in my head, so here we are =)  
> This is based on a scene from the movie Fist Fight and you can view the clip [HERE](https://nuwanda717.tumblr.com/post/172834658340/this-would-1000-be-alpha-dave-and-kid-dirk) so that this might make a little more sense ; )

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dare I even brave the question of asking where you are?

TG: im stuck in this fucking la traffic dude

TG: im like a fly in molasses over here its sucking me in and slowly smothering me rose

TG: im hella hyped you texted so I can decree my last will and testament to you before it wrangles the final breathe from my body

TT: What a tantalizing sweet and just death that must be.

TT: I must say, you’re quite lucky that you’re currently dying, otherwise I’d be forced to kill you myself if you ever do in fact get here.

TG: god dammit im trying rose i really am

TT: Not hard enough obviously. Seriously Dave, where the fuck are you?

TG: almost to the exit so like fifteen minutes out

TG: hows dirk doing

TT: Oh, he’s doing just lovely. He was especially thrilled just now when I told him that you won’t make it here in time, considering the fact that he’s set to go up in the next five minutes.

TG: FUCK

TG: tell him im so fucking sorry

TG: can you or karkat go up with him instead

TT: Dave, as ‘cool’ as I may be, I don’t think my particular brand of coolness is going to be enough to squash the bullying his been receiving.

TT: And I believe we both know that if Karkat get’s up there he won’t be able to stop himself from going on a 10 minute, colorfully worded lecture directed at Dirk’s bullies.

TG: that would be pretty fucking hilarious tho

TT: As hilarious as it most certainly would be, it also would not be conducive to why we’re here tonight, which is to put an end to the kids endlessly picking on our nephew. That was exclusively your role tonight, Dave. Kudos for so spectacularly fucking it up.

TG: yeah

TG: fuck

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

 

You toss your phone angrily onto the empty passenger seat next to you and slam your fists several times against the steering wheel, no need to keep your stoic façade when no one’s around. God fucking dammit. Rose is right, you royally fucked up tonight.

It’s only been 9 months since your older brother passed away and even less since you took custody of his eleven-year-old son, your nephew Dirk. You hadn’t been around much as Dirk was growing up due to the… unique… relationship between you and your older bro but you’d kept in touch with him through pesterchum and no joke, you die for that kid.

Then he was thrust into your life when his dad had died and you (and Karkat) have been trying your best to be good guardians, but fuck… being in charge of a kid is waaaaay fucking harder than you had thought it would be and you feel like you’ve been fucking up left and right.

Thank god Dirk is a rad as hell little kid, so it hasn’t been as hard as it could have been to be honest. The move from Houston to your home in Los Angeles has been hard on him though and the shitty kids at his new private school haven’t made it any easier. Apparently, his classmates, two kids in particular, don’t believe that he’s related to you (Dave Strider, the famous political activist/director and creator of SB&HJ) and have been giving him endless shit about it. You’re pretty sure he has a crush on the one kid, Jake(?), and that’s probably the only reason he actually gives a shit about what they’re saying about him.

The day he had come home crying from school you had decided you’d just go and eat lunch with him or something, set the record straight and all that but then he’d informed you of the up coming talent show and you’d both collectively agreed that would be a much better (and funnier way) to get his bullies to fuck off.

Dirk had flip flopped between wanting to do a free style rap battle with you or a dance routine but had ultimately decided on the rap battle. Poor kid didn’t have a chance against your mad skills, but you’d already made up your mind to let him win, although he wouldn’t know that you’d be putting some of your skill on the shelf for the night.

Karkat had rolled his eyes at you when you had told him the plan, claiming that a literal _shit pile_ could beat you in a rap battle. He’ll never understand your art but considering he has an ass that won’t quit, you guess you’ll forgive him. Oh yeah, and you love him, there’s that too.

And so, that’s where you currently find yourself, running late to Dirk’s talent show and letting down one of the only people on your _very small_ list of people you care about disappointing. Although, Rose and Karkat are probably pretty disappointed in you right now too, so you’ve actually covered the entire list. Shit. Fuck. Shit fuck.

As you _finally_ pull into the parking lot of Dirk’s school, you can’t help but think about the irony of how often Rose and Karkat have suggested (bitched at you) that you get a chauffer but you had stubbornly refused, insisting that you driving yourself, no matter how shitty a driver you may be, was part of your ‘brand’. Maybe if you had listened to them you wouldn’t be running late right now or subjecting yourself to more of their suggestions(bitching). You decide that come Monday morning, you most definitely are going to get a driver. Fuck this shit.

You rush into the school and straight to the auditorium. It’s dark and there’s some kid singing a stupid pop song up on the stage. Karkat and Rose are, of course, waiting for you by the doors and they both jump your ass as soon as you enter.

“How nice of the infamous Dave Strider to finally grace us with his presence,” Rose starts in.

“Seriously, where the _fuck_ have you been, Dave?” Karkat all but growls at you as he leans into to kiss you hello.

“Stuck in traffic, I’m sure Rose already told you, dude.”

“Yeah, she sure as fuck did but I still can’t fucking believe it,” he whisper hisses at you. Well, as best as Karkat is capable of whispering anyway, which isn’t saying much considering that most of the people seated in the back rows turn around to stare at you. “These are critical fucking months, Dave. We’re supposed to be _helping_ Dirk adjust to living with us, not _disappointing_ him every chance we get!”

“Yeah, I know,” you tell him quietly because seriously, no one hates you more than you hate yourself right now. Something in your voice must make him realize this because all of the anger drains out of him and he reaches for your hand and gives it a squeeze.

“Where’s Dirk?” you ask, mainly directing your question to Rose.

“He’s back stage,” she responds. “He said he wanted to be left alone for a while.”

“Fuck,” you say and give Karkat’s hand a squeeze of your own before you break away and leave him and Rose to go in search of your nephew. You find him back stage, like Rose had said, sitting on some props in a corner all by himself. He couldn’t look more dejected if he tried.

“Hey little dude,” you say walking over to him.

“Hey,” he says, looking up at you. Shit, you really wish he’d lay into you right now. Fuck knows you deserve it, but he doesn’t, he just keeps looking up at you sadly.

“I’m so fucking sorry I’m late little man. I got stuck in shitty traffic,” you begin to explain. _Man, you really gotta stop cussing so much around him_. Karkat’s been on your ass constantly about it and _not_ in the way you enjoy. Shit’s way easier said than done though.

“S’ okay, Uncle Dave,” he says, sad look still on his face. “You can just come eat lunch with me one day or somethin’.”

“Nah, fuck that,” ( _god dammit, didn’t you just say you were gonna stop cussing_?) “Let’s just go out there now and do our thang.”

“But… it’s not our turn anymore,” he says uncertainly.

“So? We’re Strider’s, we don’t have to play by the rules.”

“I… I don’t think I can do freestyle right now,” he says and looks down at the ground as if he’s the one who’s disappointed you.

“That’s okay, dude. Are there any raps you know by heart? We could do one of those and do that dance routine we worked on with it,” you offer, desperately trying to make up for your fuck up. He thinks for minute before he answers you.

“I do know one song but—”

“Hell ya, lets do it then,” you say, interrupting him because you’re getting worried that the talent show is going to end before you get a chance to go on stage. “Do you have the music for it?”

He nods and pulls out his phone (you’re still not sure if it’s okay to let a ten-year-old have a phone?) and pulls up the track and hands it to you. You don’t even look at it as you stand up.

“Alright, let me get it to Karkat and Aunt Rose, between the two of them I’m sure they’ll be able to bully the sound guy into playing it.”

You go back out to the auditorium as the Principle introduces the next act and give Dirk’s phone to Rose, explaining the situation to her and Karkat. The determined gleam they both get in their eye leaves you with no doubt that they’ll get the song played.

“Big Sean?” you hear Karkat ask Rose as you walk away and that name rings slightly familiar, but you don’t have time to worry about it right now, you’ve got a nephew to support.

You head back stage again and Dirk’s no longer sitting in the corner, instead standing off to the side of the stage waiting for you. You go and stand next to him, relieved that the sad look on his face has been replaced by one of excitement. The music cuts off as the kid on stage finishes up their act and few seconds later a new beat starts up.

Dirk smiles up at you and gives you two thumbs up, _and oh shit his he adorable_ , you think. Apparently, this is the right song though, _good job Rose and Karkat_ , and you follow Dirk as he runs out onto the stage. You rush and grab the mic from the stand and bring it over to where he’s standing center stage and take your place next to him, ready to rock the absolute _shit_ out of this.

“Jake and Jane, this song is for you,” he says, calling out his two main bullies. _Fuck yeah kid, call ‘em out_ , you think just as Dirk begins to sing the actual song.

“ _I don't fuck with you”_

Oh….. oh fuck. You let out an audible gasp as you stare down at him in disbelief.

“ _You little stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you_ ”

“Whaaaaattttt,” you say quietly, you _know_ that this isn’t acceptable kid behavior but what the fuck are you supposed to do? You straighten your tie and look desperately out into the crowd, searching out Rose and Karkat hoping that maybe _somehow_ , they’ll help you. When you find them, Rose is giving you one of her classic smirks that, even as her twin, you still don’t know how to fucking read and Karkat looks just as shocked as you do. Well, guess you’re on your own here. _Shit_.

“ _You little, you little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you”_

Alright, so you figure you’ve got two options here: you can either pull Dirk off stage and reprimand him for the language and shit and profusely apologize to his teachers or you can just go with it and fuck everyone else. As you look at him, your cool as hell little nephew, dancing around and totally into singing this awful fucking song, you know that your choice is an easy one.

“ _I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do”_

“Alright, fuck it,” you say, reaching out to fist bump him. “This is what we’re doin’? Alright.”

“ _Than to be fuckin' with you_ ” he keeps going, even more into it now that you’ve joined along. You get into step with him for the dance you had rehearsed weeks ago and just improvise the parts that you forget as he continues the rest of the rap.

_“Than to be fuckin' with you”_

_“Little stupid ass, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck”_

_“I don't I don't I don't give a fuck”_

_“Bitch, I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do”_

_“Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do”_

You point at him and then to the two kids out in the crowd, just in case they’ve forgotten who this song is dedicated to. The one, Jane(?), looks pissed as fuck and the other one, Jake(?), looks pretty impressed. Ha ha.

_“I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic”_

_“Then you post it up, thinkin' that it's makin' me sick, brr, brr”_

_“I see you calling, I be makin' it quick”_

_“I'mma answer that shit like "I don't fuck with you"_

It’s around this time that the Principle makes her way over to the sound guy and pulls the music. Undeterred, Dirk keeps going and so you just follow suit and start beat boxing for him, you’re fully committed to this by this point.

_“You little, you little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you”_

_“I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do”_

_“Than to be fuckin' with you”_

_“Little stupid ass, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck”_

_“I don't I don't I don't give a fuck”_

_“Bitch, I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do”_

_“Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do”_

He finally finishes up and walks a little closer to the edge of the stage.

“Who’s the liar now, Jane?” he asks, gesturing back at you. “Bully this, bitches,” he says as he flips both of them off. Then, in one last dramatic gesture, he drops the mic and turns to walk of stage. You don’t think you’ve ever been, or ever will be, prouder of him than in that moment. You walk over and pick up the mic, figuring you should probably say something.

“Uh,” you start and look out again at your sister and boyfriend. Rose looks just as proud as you feel and Karkat looks like he can’t decide if he should be pissed, mortified or proud. He’ll no doubt let you know _exactly_ what he thinks later.

“I wasn’t aware of the foul language in that song, so I do apologize for that,” you continue, figuring maybe you should sorta try smoothing things over with the school faculty. “but uh, I’m not sorry about anythin’ else. This has been a Dave Strider Public Service Announcement: don’t let your kids be assholes or they might end up gettin’ called out at the talent show. Peace, bitches,” you finish and drop the mic just like Dirk did a few minutes before.

As you walk off the stage the audience erupts into cheers, well the kids do anyway, the adults all still look stunned, and you hear quite a few of his classmates chanting his name. Fuck yes, mission accomplished.

“Uncle Dave!” Dirk yells, flying into your arms as you join him. “That was _so_ awesome!”

“Hell yeah, little dude. You rocked that shit.” You figure trying to watch your language is pretty pointless right now.

“I’m gonna be a legend at this school!”

“Well, you also might be getting expelled but hell yeah, you’ll still be a legend.”

His face falls slightly so you’re probably gonna have to come in and charm some teachers into letting him continue to be a student here but whatever, this probably won’t be the last time you and Dirk find yourselves in a situation like this.

“We’ll worry about that tomorrow though, little dude. Right now, lets go find Karkat and Aunt Rose and go out for pizza. You deserve it.”

“Hell yeah,” he agrees and reaches out for another fist bump. You return it and he beams up at you. Being his guardian sure as shit ain’t gonna be easy but fuck is it gonna be worth it.


End file.
